Extracts from Silence in Court
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Evading the Law. The authorities of San Francisco recently ordered that all bar-rooms should be closed at twelve o’clock - midnight. They were, and in five minutes opened again for the next day.

A Chinese in Australia was a witness at an inquest. He was asked how he took an oath. He said, "On the book." The magistrate then asked if he were a Christian. He replied that he was. The magistrate then inquired what he meant by being a Christian. The witness answered, "Oh, wearing a coat like yours, and being a great swell."

A woman about to sign a deed was asked by the notary if her husband compelled her to sign. "He compel me to sign!" said the indignant woman, "No, nor twenty like him couldn’t do sucher thing."

A witness in court being asked if he had ever heard that Mrs. Wilkins was a naturalist, said he understood she had ten children! "If that doesn’t constitute her a naturalist," exclaimed the witness, "then I should like to know what does!"

An Irishman’s Will. "I will and bequeath to my beloved wife Bridget all my property without reserve, and to my eldest son the rest. If anything is left it may go to Terence M’Carty."

"I see," said a young lady, "that some booksellers advertise blank declarations for sale. I wish I could get one." "Why?" said her mother. "Because, ma, Mr. G-— is too modest to ask me to marry him, and if I could fill in a blank declaration with the question, he would sign it."

In the Court of Common Pleas on Saturday, in the course of an action in which a compromise had been sought, the defendant, an old lady and very deaf, was asked what she would take, when she replied, "A glass of warm ale."

Wives of No Value. The Superior Court of Cincinnati has decided that when the wife of a man is killed by accident by or on a railroad, the husband cannot recover damages therefor!

A Candid Lawyer. "Do you think I’ll get justice done me?" said a culprit to his counsel. "I don’t think you will," replied the other; "for I see two men on the jury who are opposed to hanging."

At the last Shropshire assizes a cause in which a Mr. Wade was to appear was called for hearing; but he was not in court, and thus occasioned some delay, upon which a wag remarked, "He was indeed weighed (Wade), but was found wanting."

"Mr. Jones, you said the defendant was a gentleman; what do you mean by that?" "I mean a man that pays his debts the first time they are presented to him."

The six degrees of crime are thus defined - "He who steals a million is only a financier. Who steals half a million is only a defaulter. Who steals a hundred thousand is a rogue. Who steals fifty thousand is a knave. But he who steals a pair of boots or a loaf of bread is a scoundrel of the deepest dye, and deserves to be lynched."

Question for Counsel. Whether a man suffering under extreme weakness could be cured by power of attorney?

During the sessions at Wakefield a witness was asked if he was not a husbandman, when he hesitated for a moment, then coolly replied, amid the laughter of the court, "No, sir, I’se not married."

Lawyers are very critical; once a young lawyer, upon being informed of an attachment between a young lady and gentleman, inquired whether the gentleman was "the lover or the lovee?" So an attorney in Dublin wrote a challenge to a gentleman to meet him "in the four acres, be the same more or less."

"It is as well to leave something to those who come after us," as the man said when he threw a barrel in the way of a constable who was chasing him.

Expressive Silence. "Small thanks to you," said a plaintiff to one of his witnesses, "for what you said in this cause." "Ah, sir," replied the conscious witness, "but just think of what I didn’t say."

Query. Does a landlord give up his right to a house entirely, when he re-leases it?

The robes of lawyers are lined with the obstinacy of suitors.

Profession and Practice. "Well, George," asked a friend of a young lawyer, who had been admitted about a year," how do like your new profession?" The reply was accompanied by a brief sigh to suit the occasion, "My profession is much better than my practice."

The late Justice Taunton was remarked for speaking sometimes rather sharply to barristers who occupied unnecessarily the time of the court or who fell into errors in point of law. On one occasion a request was made to him to enlarge a rule. He expressed his intention to do so. Up started a learned serjeant, and exclaimed, "My lord, in the whole course of my experience, I have never known such a rule under such circumstances to be enlarged." "Then my learned brother," replied Taunton, I shall have the pleasure of enlarging the rule and your experience at the same time."

Hint to Barristers. The following is a useful hint to barristers who offer viva voce reports to the bench: - There is a wide step between the advocate and witness. An acute but severe judge once remarked to a jury, "The counsel has said, I think this, and I believe that. A counsel has no right to say what he thinks, or what he believes; but since he has told you, gentlemen, his belief, I will tell you mine; that, were you to believe him, and acquit his client, he would be the very first man in the world to laugh at you."

Ingenious Trick. A process-server recently played an ingenious trick upon Lord Bantry, after ineffectual attempts made to serve him with a writ in the west of the county Cork. It was said at one time that he was unwell, and the man had been turned out of the demesne. He saw a party of recruits soon after going to be attested, and believing Lord Bantry would be the magistrate, he fell in with the party, and when his turn came to go up, instead of receiving a shilling, he presented his lordship with a shilling, and the subpoena!

A soldier on trial for habitual drunkenness was addressed by the president - "Prisoner, you have heard the prosecution for habitual drunkenness, what have you to say in defence?" "Nothing, please your honour, but habitual thirst."

An Irish witness was recently asked what he knew of the prisoner’s character for truth and veracity. "Why, in troth, yer honour, since iver I’ve known her, she has kept her house clane and dacent?"

If a gentleman were to enter into partnership with a blacksmith would he be legally connected with a forgery?

Mr. Egan, the barrister, when addressing the jury, exhausted every known word of abuse, and then called his learned friend’s client "a naufrageous ruffian." He was afterwards asked by his friends the meaning of the word. He confessed he did not know, but said, "he thought it sounded well." The "sound" lawyer was truly Shakespearean. He "exhausted words, and then imagined new."

A Dodge. One day, a client being anxious to be informed on one or two subjects, and not wishing to go to the expense of sundry 6s. 8d. fees, just asked his lawyer in a friendly manner to drop in and dine with him. His kind offer was accepted. At dessert, while discussing various subjects over the wine, he managed artfully, and, as he thought, successfully, to wedge in his questions, which were duly answered by the sharp guest. In a few days in came a lawyer’s bill, "for answering sundry questions on the instant," &c. The client saw he was completely done, but a bright thought struck him; he sent in an account for his dinner, no doubt thinking that he would thereby be completely sold. Not so; his account was paid, and in return the lawyer sent him a summons for selling wine without a licence.

A mason from Balmoral was examined recently in the Jury Court. The presiding Judge, Lord Deas, spoke rather sharply to the man, who replied, "Just allow me to tak’ time, my lord; I’m no accustomed to sic a company." On his leaving the box, he said to the bystanders, "The Queen has been in my hut, and she speaks pleasantly, and draws the bairn’s pictures. I would far rather speak to the Queen than to yon man with the big wig.

A Nice Distinction in Law. Mr. George Jones, of the Fox, Shipley, appeared at the Borough Police Court on Wednesday, on a summons which charged him with having his house opened before 1 o’clock on the 19th of August, that being the "Lord’s day." It was objected by Mr. W. Ward, who appeared for the defendant, that the term "Lord’s day" was a misnomer according to the act of parliament, which specified "Sunday;" and the objection being sustained by the magistrates, the case was dismissed.

A Scene for a Pantomime. Two policeman lately went to the Great Western Works at New Swindon to serve a summons on an operative, whom they found attending to a steam engine. No sooner was the operative aware of their intention than, raising the safety valve, the place was instantly enveloped in impenetrable mist. When the vapour had cleared away the operative was away also.

Why is necessity like a great many lawyers? Because it knows no law.

"Gravity," said one of our learned judges, "is no more a proof of wisdom than a paper collar is of a man’s having a shirt on."

An Ohio legislator has presented a resolution to forbid any more babies being named John Smith in that State.

There is a difficulty in finding a jury when an Indian comes before an Omaha court. One of a panel, being asked if he had any prejudice, replied, "No; only I’ve been chased by ‘em, been in several battles with ‘em, and would hang every man-jack of ‘em at sight if I could."

An Animated Seat. A bench of magistrates.

An Old Acquaintance. Lord Kames, returning from the Northern Circuit to Perth, happened one night to sleep at Dunkeld. The next morning, walking towards the ferry, he perceived that he had missed his way, and asked a man whom he met to direct him. The other answered with much cordiality, "That I will, with all my heart, my lord. Does not your lordship remember me? My name’s John-; I have had the honour to be before your lordship for stealing sheep." "Oh, John, I remember you well; and how is your wife? She had the honour to be before me, too, for receiving them, knowing them to be stolen." "At your lordship’s service. We were very lucky - we got off for want of evidence; and I am still going on in the butchery trade." "Then," replied his lordship, "we may have the honour of meeting again."

Yorkshire Fun. The assizes and the theatre always open together at York; and it is common to hear the Tykes say, "Eh, lad, there’ll be fun next week; t’ pla’actors is cuming, and t’ men’s to be hung all at t’ syame time."

Juridical Satire. The late Chief Justice Maule had brought before him a poor sailor charged with bigamy. The sailor pleaded guilty, and, on being asked if he had anything to say why the usual sentence should not be passed, said, "May it please your lordship, my wife ran away with another man, and left me with a family of children, whom my duties as a British sailor hardly enabled me to take care of without another wife. What ought I to have done?" "Prisoner," said his lordship, sternly, "I will tell you what you ought to have done. You ought to have employed a posse of police to pursue that eloping wife and to have established a case of crim. con. against her; you ought then to have gone up to the House of Lords, and secured from their lordships a divorce, and then married again. You may say such a procedure would have cost you five or six hundred pounds, whereas you have not so many pence. But, prisoner, that makes no difference. It is my business, sitting here as an English judge, to inform you that this is not a country where there is one law for the rich and another for the poor."

Just the Reverse. When a clock is wound up it goes. When a firm is wound up it stops!

Dog and Logic. A fat old gentleman was bitten in the calf of his leg by a dog. He at once rushed to a magistrate, and preferred a complaint against a joker in the neighbourhood, whom he supposed to be the owner of the offending cur. The following was the defence offered on the trial by the wag: 1. By testimony in favour of the general good character of my dog, I shall prove that nothing could make him so forgetful of his canine dignity as to bite a calf. 2nd. He is blind, and cannot see to bite. 3rd. Even if he could see to bite, it would be utterly impossible for him to go out of his way to do so, on account of his severe lameness. 4th. Granting his eyes and legs be good, he has no teeth. 5th. My dog died six weeks ago. 6th. I never had any dog.

Among the "conditions of sale" by an Irish auctioneer was the following: "The highest bidder to be the purchaser, unless some gentleman bids more."

A county commissioner in the western part of Maine, on inviting some lawyers to inspect the new court-house, quoted the solemn lines of Dr. Watts:
"Ye sinners round, come view the ground
Where you will shortly lie."

The San Francisco Alta is responsible for the story that a Nevada lawyer had as a client a man accused of murder, and that, the principal witness in his favour being his wife, who was incapacitated from giving testimony by reason of her relation to him, he got the trial postponed, brought a suit for divorce on her behalf, secured it, and then triumphantly placed her in the witness-box to secure the acquittal of her husband.

The author of the saying "You must always take a man as you find him" was a police-constable.

A Buffalo Justice of the Peace fined a poor-looking fellow twenty-five dollars the other day, thinking he would be unable to pay it, and that it would be a charity to "send him up." To everybody’s surprise, the man drew one hundred and forty-seven dollars from his pocket to pay it. The justice then proceeded to remonstrate with the prisoner on his recklessness in going about the streets drunk, with such a sum of money on his person, ending with the remark that it was a great wonder he had not been robbed. "The deuce a bit of difference can I see," quickly and spitefully replied he, "between being robbed in the street and being robbed here!"

When Mr. John Scott (afterwards Lord Eldon) was at the bar, he was remarked for the sang-froid with which he treated the judges. On one occasion a junior counsel, on hearing their Lordships give judgment against his client, exclaimed that he was surprised at such a decision. This was construed as a contempt of court, and he was ordered to attend at the bar next morning. Fearful of the consequences, he consulted his friend John Scott, who told him to be perfectly at ease, for he would apologise for him in a way that would avert any unpleasant result. Accordingly, when the name of the delinquent was called, John Scott rose and coolly addressed the assembled tribunal - "I am very sorry, my lords, that my young friend has so far forgotten himself as to treat your honourable bench with disrespect; he is extremely penitent, and you will kindly ascribe his unintentional insult to his ignorance. You must see at once that it did originate in that. He said he was surprised at the decision of your lordships. Now, if he had not been very ignorant of what takes place in this court every day - had he known you but half so long as I have done - he would not be surprised at anything you did."

Lord Chancellor Eldon, who was well known by the nickname of "Old Bags," in one of his shooting excursions unexpectedly came across a person who was sporting over his land without leave. His lordship inquired if the stranger was aware that he was trespassing, or if he knew to whom the estate belonged. "What’s that to you?" was the reply. "I suppose you are one of Old Bags’s keepers." "No," replied his lordship, "I am Old Bags himself."

The Short and the Long of Billets-doux. Surely the most practical man of our day has been discovered. It is stated that a young man, writing to his sweetheart the other day, said: "I wish, my darling, that you would not write me such long letters. If you were to bring an action for breach of promise against me, the lawyers would copy the correspondence between us, and charge fourpence for every folio of seventy-two words. The shorter the letters, the more we save from the lawyers." Strange to say, the young man never received a reply.

At a trial the other day a quotation was made by the counsel for the prisoner from Steel’s Criminal Law. Opposing counsel said, "Steel should be an authority on theft."

"Which side of the street do you live on, Mrs. Kipple?" asked a counsel, cross-examining a witness. "On either side, sir. If you go one way, it’s on the right side; if you go the other way, it’s on the left."

A Parting Shot. An Aberdeen testator has given, devised and bequeathed a certain portion of his wearing apparel to his wife, for the reason that she had been accustomed to wear them during her married life.

Question of expediency for a debating club. When a thief jumps from a second storey window and the officer in pursuit takes the leap after him, would the officer be justified in breaking his fall by jumping on his prisoner?

In a suit for breach of promise, a young lady said of her forsaker that he had "caused her to shed tears enough to turn a small-sized mill-wheel."

The following is a literal copy of a notice which has been erected in a field in South London: "Ladies and gentlemen are requested not to steal the turnips. Other persons, if detected, will be prosecuted."

An Obliging Barrister. Barrister’s fees are not always as large as people are apt to think. M. de Morny was one day entertaining M. Rouher at dinner, when he asked his guest what brief he had first held, and what fee he had received. "Well," replied M Rouher, "I was very young. A country bumpkin came to me and begged me to take up his case. I conducted it, I must confess, tolerably well, and gained the day. ‘How much will you take?’ asked the countryman. ‘Oh - say two francs,’ I replied, smiling. ‘Two francs!’ repeated the peasant, as though he had not clearly understood me - ‘but that’s very dear. Won’t you let me off for a franc and a half?’ ‘No, two francs; two francs or nothing,’ was the reply. ‘Well, then, I’d rather pay nothing,’ returned the bumpkin, and out he went, making me a very polite bow."

During a recent trial in South Wales, to test the validity of a will, it was proved that in 1867 the testator became impaired in intellect to such an extent that he went to the post-office with a postage-stamp on his forehead, and requested to be sent by mail to a place he mentioned.

Weaving Extraordinary. A Yankee advertiser, who rejoices in the various occupations of doctor, lawyer, justice of the peace, and dry goods merchant, adds the following to his list of pursuits and qualities:- "N.B. Auctioneering of the loudest kind, interwoven with ventriloquism."

In a State out West which shall be nameless they never sue for divorce. When a husband gets discouraged, he takes his wife to the brow of a cliff to view the gorgeous sunset; she is invariably overcome, and over she goes.

An Irishman, being asked in court for his certificate of marriage, showed a big scar on his head about the size of a small shovel.

The creditors of an absconding Yankee banker found, on opening his safe, that the only thing he had laid up for a rainy day was an umbrella.

Pleading at the Bar. Begging for a drink.

There are experts on all manner of subjects in these days of litigation. A woman testified at Norwich, the other day, in a turkey case, and declared that she knew "these turkeys by their walk, their countenance, and their manner of roosting."

Sir Fletcher Norton, who was somewhat ill-mannered, when pleading before Lord Mansfield on some question of manorial rights, chanced unfortunately to say, "My lord, I can illustrate the point by an instance in my own person; I myself have two little manors." The judge immediately interposed, with one of his blandest smiles, "We all know it, Sir Fletcher."

A Dead Stop. The gallows.

The Donkey and his Double. Judge Norbury was interrupted in his charge to a jury once by the loud braying of a donkey in the street of the assize town. "What’s that?" asked his lordship. Mr. Parsons (with whom his lordship had just had a fiery flare-up) rose and gravely assured him that it was merely "the echo of the court."

A Pittsburgh paper made a rather ridiculous blunder recently. Speaking of a certain State measure about which there had been some opposition, the editor said, "The legislature pasted [passed] the bill over the governor’s head."

A Matrimonial Character. Counsel (to witness): "Now, sir, what is the character of the plaintiff in this suit?" Witness: "Her character is slightly matrimonial." Counsel: "What do you mean by a slightly matrimonial character?" Witness: "She’s been married seven times."

The Advantage. "I had more money than he had to carry on the suit," said a very mean individual who had just won a lawsuit over a poor neighbour, "and that’s where I had the advantage of him. Then I had a much better counsel than he, and there I had the advantage of him. And his family were ill while the suit was pending, so he couldn’t attend to it, and there I had the advantage of him again. But then Brown is a very decent sort of man after all." "Yes," said his listener, "and there’s where he has the advantage of you."

A distinguished officer was lately president of a court-martial. He had sworn a witness, a raw Irish recruit, and held out his hand for the Bible. Judge of his astonishment at finding it - the hand, not the book, grasped and heartily shaken by Pat, who in the very broadest brogue said, "It’s meself who is proud and plased to hould the hand of ye, sir; and may Saint Pathrick and all the saints of ould Ireland bless yer honour!"

Without Prejudice. Oh, what it is to be a lawyer’s clerk! Owing to the acuteness acquired in this high position a young man has been actually enabled to escape unscathed from that dangerous affair, a breach of promise suit. He had paid his addresses chiefly by letter, and in the most tender and poetic strain, to a pretty girl, who, when his affection grew less, was too prudent and energetic not to demand golden comfort for her wounded heart. Her lawyer heard her case with pleasant anticipation of damages; but, alas! when he examined the love-letters of the lawyer’s clerk, he found that his client was put entirely out of court by them. The ingenious young man had invariably signed himself, "Believe me, my own dearest, divinest, duckiest Angelina, your fondest, most devoted (but without prejudice) TOMMY." The legal phrase, which the gentle Angelina did not understand, had saved him.

There is a notice on a suburban garden fence which reads thus: "Positively no more stealing allowed on these premises. No exceptions."

A young man was arrested the other day for stealing fifteen drums. Of course he couldn’t keep such a thing as that quiet.

"Were you guarded in your conduct while in London?" asked a father of his son, who had just returned from a visit to that city. "Yes, sir; part of the time by two policeman."

One of the famous divorce lawyers of New York, in his advertisements in the city papers, says:- "Hymeneal incompatibilities as a specialty delicately adjusted. ‘Tis slavery to detain the hand after the heart hath fled."

Fellow-Feeling makes us Wondrous Kind. A gentleman, when making his will, added a clause that his wife should remarry, which, he explained, was to insure "that he would have one person at least to daily deplore his death."

An Illinois County Clerk refused to issue a marriage-licence because the man was only four feet high, while the woman was six. He said that he knew something about domestic life with the proportions reversed, and could not assist a fellow-man "to buy into a lottery when the odds were so fearfully against him."

The late Sir Henry Holland, the physician, was once engaged in hot argument with Bobus Smith, an ex-advocate-general, touching the merits of their respective professions. "You will admit," said Sir Henry, "that your profession does not make angels of men?" "No," retorted Bobus; "there you have the best of it. Yours certainly gives them the best chance."

Long Division. A divorce.

"Gracious me!" exclaimed a lady in a witness-box, "how should I know anything about anything I don’t know anything about?"

In a real-property case before a French judge, at an early period of the Revolution, the defendant, whose title was contested, proved that the estate had been in his family for more than two hundred years. "Well," said the judge, "it is now full time for another family to have a turn."


To Solicitors and Others. Why is an attorney like a cartwheel? Because he cannot proceed properly until he is on the roll.

A western editor wishes to know whether the law recently enacted against the carrying of deadly weapons, applies to doctors who carry pills in their pockets.

Mr. Butterworth gave evidence in a recent law case, and Sergeant Buzfuz wished to shake Butterworth's credit. So, cross-examining another witness, he asked him, "What is Butterworth?" "Thirteenpence a pound," was the answer, "although I have paid as much as -" A roar of laughter extinguished Sergeant Buzfuz.

Professional Duties. An attorney presenting a copy of a writ to an auctioneer, not long since apologised for his unfriendly visit, and concluded by hoping that the other would not be offended, as he was merely performing an unpleasant duty of his profession. "Certainly not," said the auctioneer, "you must attend to the duties of your profession, and so must I to mine;" and instantly knocked him down.

At a meeting of the Commissioners of the Watch, &c., at Bath, one of the extra watchmen was brought before them on a charge of having been asleep on duty. One of the commissioners, on being told that this was his second offence, exclaimed, "So, sir, I understand you are lethargic." The man replied with some warmth, "No, sir, I am not; I am a Protestant."

A man who had a case in court, said, "that if he lost in the Court of Common Pleas, he would appeal to the Supreme Court, and from thence to Heaven." "And there," replied a gentleman, "you will be sure to lose, for you will not be present to answer for yourself, and no attorney is ever admitted there."

"Jim," said a little boy who was boasting of his father's new house, "we have got such a fine portico, and mahogany doors, and plate-glass windows, and on the top is a cupola, and it's going to have something else." "What is it?" asked his interested companion. "Why, I heard father tell mother this morning that it's going to have a mortgage on it."

Clipping a Mayor! The other day an invalid pauper of the Colchester Union, who formerly got his living by horse-clipping, was informed that he must be examined as to his settlement, and that the clerk to the magistrates would wait upon him with the mayor. The sick man, misinterpreting the message, exclaimed with much surprise, "It's of no use bringing the mare to me; I can't clip her, I'm too ill."

A witness in court being asked if he had ever heard that Mrs. Wilkins was a naturalist, said he understood she had ten children! "If that doesn't constitute her a naturalist," exclaimed the witness, "then I should like to know what does!"

In the Court of Common Pleas on Saturday, in the course of an action in which a compromise had been sought, the defendant, an old lady and very deaf, was asked what she would take, when she replied, "A glass of warm ale."

During the sessions at Wakefield a witness was asked if he was not a husbandman, when he hesitated for a moment, then coolly replied, amid the laughter of the court, "No, sir, I'se not married."

Query. Does a landlord give up his right to a house entirely, when he re-leases it?

A soldier on trial for habitual drunkenness was addressed by the president - "Prisoner, you have heard the prosecution for habitual drunkenness, what have you to say in defence?" "Nothing, please your honour, but habitual thirst."

A Dodge. One day, a client being anxious to be informed on one or two subjects, and not wishing to go to the expense of sundry 6s. 8d. fees, just asked his lawyer in a friendly manner to drop in and dine with him. His kind offer was accepted. At dessert, while discussing various subjects over the wine, he managed artfully, and, as he thought, successfully, to wedge in his questions, which were duly answered by the sharp guest. In a few days in came a lawyer's bill, "for answering sundry questions on the instant," &c. The client saw he was completely done, but a bright thought struck him; he sent in an account for his dinner, no doubt thinking that he would thereby be completely sold. Not so; his account was paid, and in return the lawyer sent him a summons for selling wine without a licence.

A Scene for a Pantomime. Two policeman lately went to the Great Western Works at New Swindon to serve a summons on an operative, whom they found attending to a steam engine. No sooner was the operative aware of their intention than, raising the safety valve, the place was instantly enveloped in impenetrable mist. When the vapour had cleared away the operative was away also.

Why is necessity like a great many lawyers? Because it knows no law.